the right time (and vibe) to express yourself

When is the 'right time' to talk?

We all have thoughts, ideas and feelings we are hesitant to share.

It could be we're scared of the reaction they elicit, or the vulnerability inherent in sharing our innermost thoughts. 

The reason why we hesitate is only relevant if it helps us to find good ways to support ourselves through fear.  Otherwise, just accept hesitation in expressing yourself as a normal human experience. 

Finding the time to share is important. It's a part of our transparency and alignment - both fundamental to mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Learning to express challenging things in a loving way is a part of healthy relating, and includes consideration of timing. 

the wrong times

When it's a time dedicated to another purpose 

Recently, I was triggered by a friend whom I was about to travel with. I felt I needed to clear the air before our trip.

Then, I considered how the trip would be if the conversation triggered her, or if we weren’t able to find a resolution easily. Awkward. Tense. I'd be mad at myself for ruining my own retreat with that stress.

While I don’t want to hide things, or force myself to enjoy someone I’m upset with, this trip was a time for both of us to plug into ourselves while away from our mom duties. 

It was a time set aside for a healing retreat. I wanted to honor that intention, and take time to feel out my own trigger responses.

Time to process and reflect is always good - just as long as it doesn’t turn into avoidance - never addressing things. We build resentment as we accumulate micro-hurts with people. 

Other friends heard and validated me on the situation, meeting my emotional needs. This way I wasn’t a passive-aggressive bomb, just waiting to go off. I focused on time with myself, and we had a lovely trip.

Showing up for the dedicated intention of your plans, and not hijacking that time for a confrontation, is nicer. No one likes a surprise attack. 

If you feel you can’t participate until you’ve expressed, then cancel the plans, and schedule for communication purposes. The energetics of your relationship, or your feelings, deserve time and attention of their own. 

When it's just because you feel activated

I was always someone who said how I felt in the moment. I believed it was healthier to get it ‘off my chest.’ 

But being reactive, emotionally charged, or unclear on what I'm seeking in the solution is rarely a good idea. 

That's when it's not the right time in bold. 

When you're not clear on what you are seeking in the resolution

Rather than expressing

- the unpleasant feelings you have

- the details of why you have those feelings

- what the other did that specifically caused you to feel triggered

I find it more effective to ask nicely for what you need to feel good.

Have you defined that? 

When we start with those bullet points above, it usually feels like an attack and the other person will defend. 

Ideally, we want to see if they are interested in what would feel better to us, first. Then, we want to see if they ask about what they did, or how they can improve, or why we were triggered. If they don’t, they’re not interested - and that’s super valuable information for us. 

the right times

The best time for expressing ourselves is when we are emotionally ready, and the other is with the capacity to hear us. 

When I’m ready

The ‘right time’ is

- when I am clear on what I need (unmet emo needs)

- after my trigger response has been soothed (by me)

- when I don’t need her to do anything for me to feel good

- I feel the other has the capacity to hear me

If the four factors above are not met, we may not ever find ‘the right time.’  

When the other shows capacity to receive

Sometimes, we have to create a calm, connecting moment with someone so they can have the capacity - especially in partnerships. We need to feel connected and safe before being able to share our feelings and solve conflicts together. 

My father does not have the capacity to hear my needs in our relationship - so we may not have that conversation in this lifetime. 

And, that’s okay. Because I’m clear, untriggered, and don’t need him to meet my emotional needs in the situation - I’ve met those needs elsewhere. 

Luckily, we don’t have to resolve the issue with the person we’re having the issue with. An email you never send, a letter you burn, a therapist or good friend can all serve this shift. 

“Cultivating the Right Time” checklist

So, if you are looking for the right time to share something with someone…

1 - Soothe yourself

2 - Get clear on your unmet emotional needs in the situation

3 - Meet those needs

4 - Share when they have the capacity to hear you

Think of the shift in all of your major relationships if we actually practiced this!

Personally, I'm only doing relationships with people that care about my emotional needs. Seeing how people respond to an issue you bring up is a great way to filter who does care.

Cultivating the right time,

Siva